a week since...

It`s been a week since Mr. Casino ended our relationship... it seems like an eternity to me... I cried over & over again... cause i don`t get it... Last I "heard" from him was from a texto last Saturday... I sent one asking what he was up to... his reply: I`m ok, i`m on the golf course. ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I`ve been going to my psychologist every other day, and I was able to see another one at work... Tuesday, i was supposed to go to his hometown for a job interview (he didn`t know about) Well, i would`ve driven 3h to go then back... I wasn`t strong enough to do the driving, plus i would`ve been tempted to go see him... you know what I mean... so no go, no show!

Since Tuesday, I`ve stopped crying... i don`t feel that big emotion ball in my stomach and i am able to speak without crying... I am relieved about that! It`s exhausting feeling lost, pain, emotions etc...

I`ve decided to focus on NOW, i`m not saying everything is fine and the way i want them to be... but i have no power over his life, his alcoholism, & other demons... Deep inside, i don`t understant how someone who said he loves me everyday looking straight into my eyes, making plans for our future , wanting to adopt my son , marrying me , and talking to me everyday can suddenly not want to hear from me ... (what is this kind of behavior?)

no more msn, no more texto, no more anything from him???? Even my psychologist says that something is missing and doesn`t understand... Well in a way it prouves me that what i felt wasn`t wrong. Since that moment on wednesday, i don`t feel the pain as strong anymore....

if you ask me sure i`d like him to call, text, whatever... there are some answers i need to know...

He said last week he needed to "deconnect" from me.. that there wasn`t anybody else... he`s just not well and not able to be happy with himself so how can he be happy in a relationship?????? that`s why he no longer read my blog.

I don`t have a switch on/off for my heart, it would be easier...

My son is asking about him everyday... now he`s starting to cry, asking when we will see him, when HE will come to pick him up at school etc... Right now, i am only able to tell my son that he`s busy with work ...

As i`m writing this, i just felt the urge to call him but i am fighting it back... anyway 99% of chance he won`t pick up...

I just wish my 37th birthday would`ve been happier you know... I deserve to be happy, spoiled!!! I deserve to feel love, respect, happiness...

Last Monday someone told me: YESTERDAY IS HISTORY, TOMORROW IS MYSTERY, TODAY IS A GIFT, THAT`S WHY IT`S CALLED PRESENT! somehow, this give me strenght. Thank you so much for all the good comments, positive vibes... still send them to me...

i`ve noticed that butterflies are back... so pretty & rare sometimes...

picture taken from google...